Loneliness

Okay, Okay! I know I did promise this year I would definitely try to be more consistent with my blogging. All I can say is- it is not easy!

Juggling work, my business, children, family and most recently writing off my car, life has been A LOT! To be honest writing off my car and having to use public transport has thrown a massive spanner in the works both professionally and personally.

I am not one to usually dwell, but I have actually realised that my car not only provided an absolute convenience for shopping, collecting my kids from school, delivering my cakes and especially dashing to the shops at the drop of a hat when I have forgotten sugar, but on a more profound level, as a life line to my social existence. Personally I do not feel I live very far in terms of most things, and I am one of those people who does not care where I have to drive to as I quite enjoy it! For friendships and family I am used to being the one making the journey and it bothers me not in the slightest, but now that convenience has all stopped. This perhaps has made me realise that I am in fact quite lonely.

I can’t  lie there have been periods where I have felt lonely before, but recently I have felt lonelier than ever. I don’t think it is something many people talk about or it is usually associated with being elderly, or maybe other people just don’t feel this way, but as a single woman with children I get lonely. There are three distinct periods that my loneliness can become quite acute: Valentine’s, Christmas and my birthday. I know two of those “periods” are when you are supposed to be very happy and thankful, and don’t get me wrong I am very thankful to see another year and yes I love making the holidays special for the kids. But it also reminds me that I’m no longer part of a family unit! Instead of deciding whose coming round from which side of the family or which side we are going to, I get to ship the kids off either Christmas Day or Boxing Day, to make sure they get both sides of love or they may stay for the whole week and then I get to decide whether I travel to my mum’s or sisters’ or spend it with friends and again I’m the lonely Singleton whilst they celebrate with family! Urghhhhhh! This was definitely NOT what I envisaged when I got to this age.

I think also being the extremely romantic, diehard I am, believing that Prince Charming is on his way for me, Valentine’s Day is an especially hard pill to swallow, you’d think I was used to it, considering it never actually existed when I was married. I girl can but dream, God I’m such a Pisces!

Now I do not want an outpouring of sympathy, for feeling the way I do, to be honest there is not much friends or family can do to stop me feeling this way. But as I sit here writing this on the train surrounded by people, I wanted to bring to attention that the external persona that a person exudes is perhaps not the internal struggle that swims below the surface.

This being said, when I was married there were many periods that I still felt lonely but that speaks volumes as to the relationship rather than the connection of two people being together. Trust me I love me! I am very happy in my own space but we humans are not created to be alone. God created Adam and Eve in partnership. People often refer to me as a strong, independent woman and yes I am to an extent, but it doesn’t mean I want to be alone. It doesn’t mean I don’t need someone to comfort me, or guide me, or share the sofa with.

So I guess until that hunk of a man, with both brains, brawn, great dress sense, fantastic listening skills and ambition comes along (not asking for too much!) I better learn to enjoy those long solitary nights in my sexy lingerie……